Name: BRENDY DORAN!!!!!!
Joke: A LITTLE LAUGH CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER..... ( Sick Leave) I needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take few days. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?" (You're gonna love this.....) She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Name: decky
Joke: 2 irishmen find a mirror on the side of the road 1st one picks it up and says i know that face but cant put a name to it the 2nd fella looks at it and says its me you stupid c**T

Name: decky melb aus.
Joke: the teacher asks leo and tim 2 write a poem ending in timbucktoo leo thinks 4 a while then says me and tim we went 2 kent and in a field we pitched a tent along came 3 girls we didnt know what 2 do so i shagged one and tim bucked two.

Name: Leo Mac
Joke: A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip on to the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Name: DAN
Joke: Did you hear about the magic tractor?..... It turned into a field.

Name: Son
Joke: "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, John. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Name: Auntie Blonde
Joke: Caoimhe was visiting Saoirse, who had acquired two new dogs, And asked her what their names were. Saoirse responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Caoimhe said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered Saoirse (blonde). "they're watch dogs

Name: Blonde GAA Girl
Joke: There's this Shane O’Neill’s blonde out for a walk at Camlough lake. She sees another Shane’s blonde on the opposite side. "Yoo-hoo Caoimhe!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" Saoirse looks up the lake then down the lake and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

Name: Blonde Shane ONeill's Girl Blonde Sister
Joke: CAR TROUBLE A blonde Shane O Neill’s pushes her BMW into a Hughes petrol station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is running smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just c**p in the carburettor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Name: Blonde Shane O'Neills girl
Joke: Two Shane O’Neill blondes living in Falkirk were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is further away...London or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooo, can you see London...?????"

Name: Art
Joke: A man and a woman, who had never met before but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight sleeper-train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but could you reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up here." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own f**king blanket!"

Name: Micko
Joke: A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdy the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?

Name: Art
Joke: Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!" Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that. Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin, so we would." Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay Taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're going to export them and make our fortune, so he won't." Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got idea! You can do the best English accent, out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't." "OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English." So the two visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop ,where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best C*ckney impression: "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'D*ckie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'." Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well, then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?" Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be'Jesus. Mary Mother of Christ, if that ain't me best English accent? How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?" The Owner replies "This is a Dry Cleaners".

Name: Niall Davis
Joke: What's a chandiler in an irish house? Shean do'lear!

Name: BLONDE GUY
Joke: Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girlsdecided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday! Worry is a misuse of the imagination.

Name: Traveller
Joke: A LESSON FOR ALL EMPLOYEES WHO WORK WITH RUDE CUSTOMERS!!! Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being customer focused, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a Long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS". The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Name: Art
Joke: WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: Would you live in our house? HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. WIFE: silence - - HUSBAND: S**T

Name: Blaithin Hughes
Joke: One very hot day an extremly small man went into a cafe , put his news paper on a table and went to the conter. But on returning with a cup of tea he saw that his place had been talken by a stinking , beareded , ferocious- looking man of some 3 hunderd pounds in weight, and 6 feet 9 inches in height. " Excuse me," said the little man to the big man, "But you're sitting in my seat"." Oh yeah?" snarled the big man. "Prove it!""Certainly. You're sitting on my ice cream".

Name: Jade Anderson
Joke: did you hear the joke about the skonk?doesent matter it stinks.

Name: Art
Joke: A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way" The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Name: Aaron Anderson
Joke: What is the strongest animal in the world? A snail because he carries his home on his back.ha ha ha!!!

Name: Aaron Anderson
Joke: How do you survive the electric chair? -+++++++++++++++++++ How do you survive the electric chair? Insulate your underpants.

Name: Blaithin Hughes
Joke: Did you hear about the plastic surgeon? He sat in front of the fire and melted.

Name: Oisin McConville
Joke: What happened when kerry won the all ireland? they stopped talking and went back to sleeping camp!

Name: Niall Davis
Joke: Where do cows go on a saturday night? The moooooooooooooovies!

Name: ART
Joke: Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forth coming wedding. "Och, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the Minister, even ma stag night... Archie nods approvingly. "Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that! "And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires. "Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white."

Name: ART
Joke: Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forth coming wedding. "Och, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the Minister, even ma stag night... Archie nods approvingly. "Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that! "And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires. "Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white." Name: Art
Joke: Here are the Ulster recommendations. Cavan - Cheerios (what the opposition support sing with 15 mins to go) Antrim - All Bran (pure s**te) Armagh- Shredded Wheat (not too exciting and things can get a bit rough) Tyrone - Weetabix ( bit like Shredded Wheat only goes down easier and Can leaving you feeling sick) Monaghan - Rice Krispies (make a lot of noise to begin with but turn Soft within no time) Derry- Frosties ( we're told they're great but usually they're not) Donegal - no bowl is being issued but a special edition frying pan Perfect for the pre-match hangover Down - any cereal will do, just have it at night in time for another False dawn. Fermanagh - Coco Pops ( things start out well enough but go brown pretty quickly)

Name: Art
Joke: A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball." The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."

Name: Conor
Joke: Mishaps of a Simple Bricky !!! This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....... Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional Information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was Working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the Barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping Until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and Was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the Barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

Name: Cullyhannaman
Joke: An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know ... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

<Name: James Loughran
Joke: Did you hear about the Irish Queer? He preffered women over drink!!!

Name: Culllyhanna Man
Joke: A couple in their 90s, are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

Name: LAOIS FAN
Joke: WOMEN ARE EVIL A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, Running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, Running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a Couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

Name:
Joke: A Tipperary man had two great tickets for the All-Ireland final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him."No," he says. "The seat is empty"."This is incredible!" said the man."Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the All-Ireland Final, the biggest sporting event in Ireland, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.This is the first All-Ireland Final we haven't been to together since we got married". "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat? The man shakes his head...( wait for it................this is classic) "No. They're all at the funeral."

Name:
Joke: what do u get if u cross a cement mixer and a hen? a bricklayer!!!!

Name:
Joke: hear about the father who threw the sun into the canal? he was finished reading it

Name:
Joke: did you hear about the plane crashing into a house in England? they left the landing light on!

Name: Ryan Lewis.
Joke: What's the difference between a hare and a rabbit?.... You can pull a hare from your behind but you can't pull a rabbit!!

Name: Dorothy Perkins
Joke: Two blondes walk into a bar... Jees if Kate didn't see it you'd have thought Charlene would have!

Name: Tyroneman
Joke: Big Joe sends scouts out around the world looking for a new player to replace the aging Geezer and win the Sam back off Tyrone. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Armagh coach flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Ireland. Two weeks later Armagh are 5 points down to Tyrone with only 10 minutes left. The coach takes Francie off after his shoulder is dislocated by Big Sean and gives the young Iraqi the nod and on he goes for it. The lad is a sensation, scores 2 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the orangemen! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the boy comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in orange and white. "Hello Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 5 points down but I scored 6 pts and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me." "Wonderful, son," says his Mum. "Now, let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having such a great time." The young lad is very upset, "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry!" says his Mum, "So you should be for it's your fault we moved to Lurgan in the first place!"

Name: Downboy
Joke: Q. Did you hear the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? A. They had pictures of TYRONE players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead TYRONE fan in the road? A. There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q. What do you have when 100 TYRONE fans are buried up to their neck in sand? A. Not enough sand. Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a TYRONE fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A. Shoot the TYRONE fan - twice. Q. How many Tyrone players does it take to change a light bulb? A None. Peter just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him. Q. Why do Derry fans plant potatoes round the edge of their gardens? A. So they have something to lift at the end of the season Q. How many Derry fans does it take to change a lightbulb? A. None - they're quite happy living in the shadows A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in South TYRONE trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a TYRONE fan too. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are TYRONE Fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not an TYRONE fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not an TYRONE fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a DOWN fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a DOWN fan?" "Because my Mum and Dad are from DOWN, and my mum is a DOWN fan and my dad is a DOWN fan, so I'm a DOWN fan too!" "Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a DOWN fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a TYRONE fan."

Name: bergkamp
Joke: why do seagulls have wings? so that they can get to the dump before the gypsies.

Name: The Dole Man
Joke: Fuzzy walks into Newry dole office to sign on for his fortnightly cheque. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi Art. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing the dole every two weeks. I'd really much rather have a job". Art behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent Fuzzy. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips which will mean you'll miss training and some matches. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £100,000 a year." Fuzzy says, "You're bullshitting me!" Art says, "Yeah, well, you started it."!!!!!!!

Name: Wingnut
Joke: An elderly couple visit McDonalds. He orders one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the french fries, dividing them into two pilesand neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man says they are just fine - They are used to sharing everything.The surrounding people notice the little old lady hasn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally takes turns sipping the drink. Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says "No, thankyou, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finishes and is wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who has yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "What is it you arewaiting for?" She answers…………………………….the teeth!!!!!!!!

Name: Lord Groucutt
Joke: A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a tourist hotspot known as Carraghers pub and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Armagh," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Armagh too! Let's have another round to the Orchard county." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Armagh are you from?" "Between Camloch and Bessbrook," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Cambrook too! Let's have another drink to Cambrook." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Paul's," replies the second man. "I left in 2000." "This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Paul's and I left in 2000, too!" About that time in comes Malachy Hamill and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?," he asks the barman. "Nothing much," replies the barman. "Peter and Desmond Owens are drunk again."

Name: Lord Groucutt
Joke: How is it that we know Jesus Christ was from Camloch? He was 33, still lived at home with his Mother, whom he thought was still a virgin, and she thought he was the son of God.

Name: Lord Groucutt
Joke: Mark Trainor and Ronan McAnulty's attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

Name: bergkamp
Joke: root mcloughlin on the ski holiday sats to a man "when your skiing down the hill do you zig zag or do you zag zig" the man says i'm not to sure i'm a toboginist "awe thats ok" says root "just give me 20 regal then"

Name: John
Joke: why was the egg aressted? Cause its yoke was hangin out

Name: bergkamp
Joke: the dup are going berserk again because tony blair has given more concessions to sinn fein....apparently gerry adams is getting the DLA because he has no arms.

Name: bergkamp
Joke: raj was trying to get into ireland illegally and got caught,the officer said in order for you to stay you have to speak good english so give me a sentance with the colours green,yellow and pink in it.no ploblem raj says,the phone goes green green i pink it up and say yellow......raj now works in norbrook.

Name: bergkamp
Joke: osama bin laden has been arrested on Camlough mountain trying to steal 15 of John Mooney's sheep, in his defence he said they were `islams`. John was seen to go 'BAA-rmy'.

Name: Leo McIntyre
Joke: THE DIFFERENCE!
Woman's Diary. Friday 18th November 2005.
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be tnat. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. Just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed.I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.
Man's Diary. Friday 18th November 2005.
Keane leaves United. Gutted. Got some action though.

Name: annonymous
Joke: A young girl who had been involved in a severe accident had been rushed to the hospital with her left hand hanging off.the doctors told her there was nothing they could do apart from amputate it.she eyed a paralysed man in the ward and askd could she have his hand as its no use to him.the doctor agreed and the operation was completed.when the girl came back for her check up the doctor asked her how things were going and she replied"well theres only one problem,when im gettin changed in the morning my right hands pulling my knickers up and the other ones pulling them down"

Name: the Joker
Joke: this is a run down of a Typical B Team. Maybe some of the Cruppney men will recognise themselves here......
GOALIE - must have ’great goalmouth presence’.... which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty diving was at a ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.
RIGHT CORNER BACK - the quiet man of the line-up he seems to escape the jokes in the dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage. Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday morning.
FULL BACK - First started playing football some time in the Pleistocene Epoch. Nicknamed Sledge like "yer man outta U2". Will get a nose-bleed if he passes beyond his own 50 yard line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.
LEFT CORNER BACK - Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward’s ases for days on end. An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team’s young and absurdly fast superstar in the making.
RIGHT HALF BACK - just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the senior team... and yet hasn’t missed a training session since early 1989. Selection is basically the manager’s way of proving that he "doesn’t give a damn who you are, if you’re not down training we’re not going to give you a game".
CENTRE BACK - disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at agm and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn’t been junior training all year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.
LEFT HALF BACK - county u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club. About 5 foot 4, he is still told to get under the kickouts and ’take the game to the opposition’... secret code for don’t pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger.
MIDFIELDER NO1 - chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the opposition’s half. Well-liked character because he always gets his round in at the post-match drink-up.
MIDFEILDER N02 - the full back’s older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something. Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.

Name: the joker
Joke: Paul Keenan makes his come back from injury and by chance his first match back is a friendly with the Shanes. So hes in the changing room before the match and Brendan and Art briefs him on the game plan. "Keeno i know youv'e been off for a few weeks and your not fully match fit so the plan is to put you on for the first half and then we'll pull you off at half time". Keeno goes "thats fantastic lads at Newry Town all we got at half time is a cup of tea and an orange".

Name: fuzzy
Joke: my cousin in vietnam has just phoned and told me that gary glitter has requested the carrickcruppen forwards to be his firing squad.

Name: Sean Keenan aka The Big Show
Joke: A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in South Armagh and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Armagh fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Armagh fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Armagh fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Armagh fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Down fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you Down fan?" "Because my Mum and Dad are from Down, and my mum is a Down fan and my dad is a Down fan, so I'm a Down fan too!" "Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Down fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Tyrone fan."

Name: Jackie Sheridan
Joke: Ian Paisley was in a coma for 4 years, when he woke up he asked Ian Jr what had happened. Ian jr said "Father, I have good news and bad news. The good news is Glentoran beat Linfield" Paisley asked "well what is the bad news my son"? Ian Jr replied "the score was 1:13 to 1:12"

Name: Barry Loughran
Joke: Walking home from the club drunk one night Gerry Patton stopped at Dan's off licence to buy some whisky. He then placed the whiskey into his back pocket and started on his journey home. Half way round the Green road Gerry Stumbled and landed hard with a sharp pain in his backside. Feeling a liquid running down his leg Gerry quickly looked to heavens and shouted, "Please God let it be blood!"

Name: Anonymous
Joke: How do you know ET's surname was Loughran? Shir doesn't he look just like the rest of them!!!

Name: Stephen Loughran
Joke: Carrickcruppen had just suffered a crushing defeat at the hands of Crossmaglen in the championship final. As the players trudged back into the changing room, Peter Loughran ripped off his jersey and threw it into the bin. Brendan Doran then tore off his Jersey and hurled it high into the air and straight down into the bin. Paul Keenan threw his to the ground, flicked it up and expertly headed it right across the room and plum into the bin. Kevin Kane threw his Jersey. Missed the friggin bin by a mile!!!!! What's new huh?